Under Pressure
Sex and relationships can be affected by pressure in so many ways. Underlying here is social perception of what having sex means, the shame of not fitting into a mould your culture has created and falsely assumed you should fit into. It is important to remember that comparison is the thief of joy. What is right for you is wrong for someone else. Our sexual relationships, sexuality and sexual enjoyment is unique to each of us. Do not let any stigma, social norms or pressure force you to make a decision that removes your pleasure and enjoyment.
Take a look at the below examples and consider how these may have affected you and your sexual relationships.
Peer pressure
Probably the most discussed pressure, especially for young people, from parents to sex education. We are told that peer pressure is something to be aware of. Just because others say they are doing it, doesn’t mean you have to. But also do what is right for you. If there is informed and enthusiastic consent from all involved. So often this peer pressure message often of “boys will try and persuade girls to have sex with them” forgets that actually – young women want to have sex too! And this doesn’t make you a slut or any other derogatory names you hear. It makes you human. Desire and arousal are normal for all to feel. As long as it is acted upon in a safe and pleasurable way. And also let’s not forget masturbation. Young women often here masturbation is dirty – absolutely not! Its bloody marvellous!
Peer pressure doesn’t just begin and end in your teens. continues throughout life. Comparing ourselves to each other. Nights out. On the pull. Whose done what, reached what base etc. In relationships or not.
We have to try and be aware of our language, conversations and assumptions we have when it comes to sex.
Again, what turns you on is different for everyone. What you feel comfortable doing with yours or someone’s else’s body is different to your friends. This is normal. This makes the world go around. So under this guise of peer pressure remove the measuring stick you think sexual experience should be compared against.
Pressure to perform
When it comes to heterosexual sex there is this wild expectation that a man must have an erect penis a woman must present as a sex object of desire and both must finish by orgasming at exactly the same time from penetrative vaginal sex. If not both than at very least the man orgasms and its over! You get the idea. Reality is somewhat different, you could have woken up with morning breath and hair in a mess and have the best sex ever. You can struggle with erectile disfunction and still make your partner orgasm. Sex is not always about the rom com worthy performance. Sex is real.
Sex is not a porn scene, remember there is prep work, editing and acting.
Sure, dressing up in your sexy outfit/underwear and putting on a show can be great. But so can lazy Sunday spooning. Or oral on the sofa with the TV going in the background.
Sex can be messy, sweaty, there can be queefs, cramps, ingrown hairs – this can still be good sex. Let there be laughter and fun! You do not have to shave your pubic hair. Your breast do not have to look a certain way. Your penis does not need to be big!
Your sex life does not have to fit the – as seen on TV – ‘sexy’ stereotype. If you are not dressed up in lingerie or shaking it like a pornstar it does not mean you are failing. Your sex life is your sex life! Find what works for you. Mix it up. Enjoy!
Pressure to make risky choices
The consent model I refer to in workshops is FRIES. Consent is
Freely Given - not given under pressure or for reward.
Reversible - consent can be removed at any time for any reason.
Informed - are you aware of what you are consenting to.
Enthusiastic - sexual activity is meant to be pleasurable.
Specific - consent is required for each individual act, consenting to one doesn’t automatically mean consent to another.
Do what is right for you by following these points. We must remember these points when it comes to safe and consensual sex. At the same time, we must remember not to stigmatise things like STIs and unwanted pregnancy. We are lucky enough here in the UK to live in a society that has access to medication, treatments, antibiotics etc.
The stigma that surrounds STIs is unnecessary. Yes, practise safe sex. But most importantly get tested regularly. Regular STI testing is so easy and accessible here. There is no excuse to avoid this.
STI testing ensures you are having an even more enjoyable healthy sexual experience.
Check out the iPlaySafe App – for home STI testing – and loads more information on sex and relationships. It aims to reduce shame. Share STI statuses with potential partners and make sharing STI results the norm. Its a great app the encourages enjoyable, fun and responsible sexual activity for all.
Pressure in long term relationships
Being in a relationship doesn’t make you immune from pressure. Life changes and there is often pressure to have the same frequency and type of sexual activity that you had at the beginning.
It is ok for your sex life to fluctuate, and for your likes and dislikes to change.
Communication is key to more pleasurable sexual experiences. What works for you, in your relationship, around work schedule, home life is unique to your relationship etc.
There is no set number of times you should be expected to have sex per week/ month etc. Quality is key. Great sex some of the time is so much more important that average sex all of the time. Quality over quantity. Pleasure, enjoyment and fun are the focus.
Focus on what feels good rather than the orgasm. Exploring each other and feeling comfortable enough to communicate that to each other is key.
Pressure postpartum
Having children puts an untold amount of strain on your sex life. From feeling touched out, tired, finding time, privacy and mentally navigating life’s role switch.
And yet – there is a pressure for us to have sex after birth. How long did you wait? Have you had sex yet? All healed? Often questions asked by over inquisitive friends – I get it, I have been one of them.
Pressure from outside but also perhaps unspoken pressure from inside. Suggestive touches and comments.
We need to shift the focus away from sex just being penis in vagina.
I teach that sex is any kind of sexual stimulation play or pleasure. This play should be gradually introduced it back. Focussing on everyone’s enjoyment – not just trying to meet your partners “needs”.
Penis in vagina sex being the “main” sex focuses purely in women’s ability to reproduce rather than their sexual pleasure. As the majority of women need some sort of clitoral stimulation to orgasm.
Pressure to be in a heterosexual monogamous relationship
Society is set up to enable tick box transitions. Gendered and heterosexual. From gender roles, to the pressure to be in relationships, to marriage, babies etc. It isn’t geared for those whose sexuality is not heterosexual. Or relationships that do not fit into the monogamy mould! Pressure to conform to the status quo is huge and to go against the tide is still hard. The fact that coming out is still a thing – that the assumption by many is straight unless notified. This blinkers so many.
There is a world out there to explore. You do not have to stay in this lane that society has presumed for you.
Explore your pleasure, your desire, your relationships with yourself and others. Comparison is the thief of joy. We are all so different. Communication is crucial. Be brave. Do not bow to pressure. Go your own way. Whether it’s saying no, saying yes or somewhere in between.
The iPlaySafe app that helps us learn and discover more about sex, empowering its users demystifying sex with its work with sex educator articles and pods as well as encouraging sexual health and welcoming the sharing of STI results with others. Their product – an at home sexual health testing kit. That you can just pop in the post. But their message is so much more. Sexual health and wellness is key to a good sex life. What works for you. What your STI status is. Communication and enjoyment!