Erectile Dysfunction
Often society expects sex to be an easy satisfying experience for all. But order to achieve this satisfaction due to sexual activity a lot of contributing factors may need to align. As I have mentioned in previous blogs psychological arousal, emotional presence, and physical enjoyment all play a role in making sex enjoyable. With two partners involved these factors become doubled due to the individual wants and needs at play. All of these 3 elements, psychological, physical and mental can have an impact on an erection.
Erectile dysfunction can happen to anyone with a penis. For a whole host of reasons - whether it is a disruption to their optimum Psychological, Physical and Environmental factors or just one of those one time things. Sex and sexual activity and arousal can still be achieved and enjoyable with an imbalance of factors but require an understanding and adaptability from those involved.
If you are struggling with regular Erectile Dysfunction try the following …
Make a doctor’s appointment
This is to check there are no physical concerns relating to blood pressure, hormones or medication for example.
Reduce stress
Find a work, life, family balance. If our mind is preoccupied it can subconsciously affect our potential to become aroused. Stressors prevent the mind from being present during a sexual encounter and therefore inhibit arousal and can cause erectile dysfunction.
Tackle anxiety
Once erectile dysfunction occurs it can cause a build-up of anxiety. The concern it will reoccur and being unable to perform sexually. The pressure put on by society to prioritise penis in vagina sex, which requires an erect penis, does nothing to help this. Sexual scripts that use poor sexual performance to emasculate a man can cause anxiety which then in turn results in erectile dysfunction. The worry about what if I am not good. Tackling these anxieties as well as others relating to erectile dysfunction can be done.
Relaxation exercises
These could be used to help the subconscious cause of the anxiety. Such as guilt, fear of STIs, strict upbringing etc.
Lifestyle changes
Drinking, smoking and drugs can all cause erectile dysfunction. By living an active and healthy lifestyle you can help prevent regular erectile dysfunction.
Therapy
In order to understand the cause of erectile dysfunction and the effect of it on the individual and/or couples’ sexual relationship, psychosexual therapy can be sought. By doing an assessment of the individual a better understanding can be gained of their sexual motivators and feedback from partners can encourage working towards a solution.
Does it mean they don’t want to have sex with me?
Often - No!
Conditions such as Erectile Dysfunction can cause great anxiety or worry. It often relates to a loss of desire or can be hiding behind the loss of desire. This loss of desire is decided or assumed as the sexual problem, but to find the cause of Erectile Dysfunction beyond it must be often unpicked, understood and talked through to find any underlying problem.
Lack of desire is often used as an excuse in this way to protect a sexual partner from exposing a weakness or engaging in a personal conversation that may result in further conflict.
Understanding a sexual partner’s ‘turn ons’ and ‘turn offs’ as well as an awareness of their sexuality contributes to their desire. These could be as simple as a date night, time for emotional connection, helping with the mental load, engaging in some touching or play that activates the senses or changing the type of sexual engagement to list just a few examples.
The NHS categorise Performance Anxiety as a sexual phobia.
Often linked with Erectile Dysfunction in men but can also affect women, Performance Anxiety is caused usually by negative thoughts either about oneself and one’s physical and sexual ability eg. body image, sexual inadequacy etc; or external factors such as relationship security, financial worries, use of porn etc.
The heteronormative scripts that guide society can have a hugely detrimental impact on sexual enjoyment. Placing expectations on us all. Framing ideas of success and failure. Creating anxiety by not feeling normal. This could result then in sexual problems that are anxiety induced such erectile dysfunction. These scripts can also lead to misunderstandings of what is required to be ‘good at sex’ or even what ‘good sex’ is.
It is important to note that sex doesn’t just mean penetration of a vagina with a penis. Sexual activity and play is so much more than this act. Pleasure can be from all sorts of elements and stimulation and doesn’t always require an erect penis. Explore each other’s bodies and seek pleasure, enjoyment and fun over ejaculation.