#changeonething

Temperature Play

Cold can increase sensitivity, create tingles, focus your mind on different areas. Use ice on your partners body, use it to make your mouth cold and the kiss, lick and suck or put glass toys in the fridge.

Heat - use heat to help relax, massage oil warmed up, try different sensations with warm and hot - find tolerance. Ensure to communicate throughout for safety and comfort.

Remember the aim is enjoyment!
Have fun!

Blindfolds

By taking away a sense we heighten the others. Build the anticipation for the next touch, tease and see each other’s reactions what do they like. How do they show it?

Feel and engage deeper with the pleasure when giving and receiving.
Be vulnerable or take control depending whose turn it is to be blindfolded. How do these power imbalances work with you?
A blindfold is a small non intrusive thing to introduce. Can be a scarf or material. Something silky or practical.
Blindfolds tend to be an item won’t intimidate but that adds a different dynamic - especially in terms of power and pleasure.

Dirty Talk

This is something that can terrify many. But can really help your partner get to know if your enjoying it; what you like and help your own enthusiasm. So let’s look at ways to introduce, or build confidence when it comes to talking dirty:

• Text - not sure you can say it out loud? Why not text your partner what you’d like to do to them or have done to you!!
Even if they are sat next to you. Check out the reaction.

• Vocalising - start with moaning to show enjoyment.

• Whispering in the moment - yes, more, faster, slower, there, don’t stop. All help give authentic and enthusiastic consent and guide your partner to pleasuring you as well as getting them off that your enjoying it!
(Only if honest - faking orgasms isn’t going to help anybody)

• As your confidence grows move to exploring how you’d vocalise what you would have maybe text before. Turn your whispers into shouts.

• Finally be brazen - walk up to your person and tell them exactly what you want, how you want it, where you want it! Believe in yourself. Confidence is sexy.
This may be terrifying, afraid of rejection. But sooo empowering.
And if they say no, or they are not in the mood, respect that and then go do it to yourself anyway!

Toys

Sex toys can be great for a variety of reasons but I also recognise for many they can be intimidating. Thoughts race to phallic shaped silicone giants seen as comedic by some and scary by others.
The other tricky thing, is that introducing a toy may involve an awkward conversation for some.
Toys shouldn’t be regarded as a threat. Many often regard them as competition - “why do you need that when you’ve got me!” When instead they should be seen as a fantastic teammate for all players involved.
Aiding, increasing and changing pleasure & touch.

Masturbation is also crucial to improve your partnered sex life. If you cannot enjoy, and pleasure your own body. It becomes very difficult to experience partnered sex fully. Toys are a fantastic way to rediscover yourself, add a bit of self care to your life and find what really does it for you.

If you’re new to sex toys. Start small. Bullet vibes to give a little added sensation. This can be on the clitoris or on the tongue when giving oral. Cock rings can be small, discreetly help erections & with a bullet vibe help create a different sensation that can also rub against your partner.
If trying something new like anal for example - starting with smaller toys designed for anal play first. To test whether it’s a feeling you’d like to explore this can be then combined with other accompanying sexual activity.
Some toys are even designed to be placed inside the vagina to help improve pelvic floor muscles as well as feel pretty darn nice too.

There are so many toys out there. Big small, discreet and not so! Explore without shame. Find something that works for you alone as well as together. Enjoy the exploration and conversations that then come forth from that.
Increasing connection and intimacy.

Massage

Warm up these cold winter evenings with some massage. This does not have to lead to sex - unless you want it to.
Using oils explore each other’s bodies - communicating where feels good; what pressure you like, where don’t you enjoy being touched etc.

This can help body confidence - although it may feel vulnerable at first, you can soon learn more about each other. And by allowing yourself to be vulnerable with one another, strengthen your trust and bond.

It also becomes an easier way to communicate likes and dislikes in terms of touch which may otherwise feel more difficult to get across in a sexual scenario, where you might be worried about offending your partner.

Sex First

Date nights leaving you feeling too tired for sex after? Maybe you’ve been out for dinner and your just too full and want pjs on and bed. Or you’ve had a great night but maybe too much to drink?!

If you’ve scheduled time for a date. Try having sex first before dinner or your evening. Taking the pressure off performing later, when you’re not fully mentally present, comfortable or interested.

Not always the easiest for everyone with kids. But ideal for home date nights or date nights when maybe the children are having a sleepover elsewhere.

Lube

Lube is a great addition to any sexual activity. Providing an added sensation, improved comfort and enhancing pleasure.

Although the vagina tends to be self lubricating you find that for a lot of the hormonal cycle many can suffer with some vaginal dryness. This is natural and due to the hormones that create our natural vaginal secretions.
But nobody wants too experience that dry feeling during penetration! Less friction more glide please!!!

Same when it comes to anal - LUBE LUBE LUBE! The anus is not self lubricating so even more important.

Hell use lube for everything. Self pleasure. Hand fun. Lube has so many purposes - enjoyment for all.

When looking at lubes - look for products without glycerins and parabens. The vagina has a delicate ph balance. Disrupting this can cause thrush and infections. Added to this nobody wants horrible sticky residue to clear up after!

3 products I would recommend are:
@by.quanna
@yes_organics
@cliterallylube

For more information on lube check out my introduction to lube on my blog.

Covers Off

Sex is vulnerable. No matter the relationship or power roles etc. So it’s understandable that you may want that extra layer of protection. That comfort blanket - literally!

But by taking the covers off. Being exposed, you may feel empowered. More confident - and perhaps a hell of a lot less sweaty!!!

Body confidence is understandably a huge concern for many. But sex is a time to celebrate our bodies. Celebrate the pleasure you feel and the enjoyment of touch and intimacy.

Believe in yourself. Like your partner clearly does. Enjoy the moment. Take the control.

Alternatively, if you never have sex with the covers on, give it a try.
Feel a bit sneaky. Make your movements a bit slower.

No Penetration

By taking penetration of the table you explore different elements of physical touch.
Communicating with your partner how and where you like to be touched. This can be verbally or by guiding their hands.
Working in a different way to experience sexual pleasure. Learning more about each other.

Focus more on the feeling and connection & the intimate moment than then the usual penetration and climax.

Explore and understand the importance of clitoral stimulation. Anticipation. Skin to skin. Turn ons.

Orgasm doesn’t have to always be the goal. Sexual enjoyment and growing sexual confidence is key.

Location

Do you get a going to bed dread? You know your partner will expect it and you don’t?
Or perhaps your fed up of the same old sexual routine in the sheets but unsure how to get out of that funk.

Try changing your location.
Perhaps a different room in the house, or even stay in the bedroom - if that’s the best option for you - but get off the bed!!

Stairs, sofas, tables, door frames, showers, floors - all offer different possibilities for sexual circumstances. For support, balance, positioning.

Changing location can help you get out of your own head. Quite often we go into autopilot if our sexual scenario is repetitive. By changing the location of sex we change the mental headspace used. Autopilot is switched off by the change and a different sexual scenario takes place.

Location can be as safe or risky as you please (I mean don’t break any laws on my advice) but let your imagination run wild. Looking outside the house, the garden, the car, book a hotel…

The possibilities are endless.

Smell

Different smells can evoke different memories or feelings.
• Some scents like lavender can be found to be relaxing.
• A perfume you wore on your wedding day or a shower gel you used when dating could bring back fond memories for both yourself and your partner.
• Fresh scents could leave you feel invigorated.
• A candle changes the scent of a room perhaps altering the atmosphere.
• Just the smell and feel of clean bedsheets can leave you feeling good.

Cleanliness and hygiene are really important when it comes to sex. Ensuring you look after your personal hygiene of both your body and genitals shows respect for your partner who may be about to touch/taste them. And remember we all smell and taste differently naturally - do not wash your vulva with anything but water to keep the natural ph inside you healthy.

Position

Many find they get comfortable in certain position and sex can get repetitive. Where it’s great to understand your body and what feels best for you. There are several positions that could have the same effect. Whether your looking for pressure on the clitoris, deep penetration, or emotional contact.

Trying a different position sometimes could prevent that expectation of what’s to come; just going through the motions until climax and done. By changing position you are making yourselves ever so slightly more vulnerable together to increase intimacy and varying touch.

Often changing positions makes people feel quite vulnerable. Being viewed from a different angle or trying something unfamiliar.
Embrace the challenge. It doesn’t need to be gymnastics. You don’t have to stay in that position if it doesn’t work for you.

If it’s not comfortable stop and adjust. Take your time to explore yours and your partners body. What feels good, and where?
Don’t be afraid to laugh, whether it’s a leg cramp, or a ‘fanny fart’ or you fall off the bed. Enjoy the experience together. You never know you just might find something you like.

Scheduling

Often we assume scheduling sex to be dull.
Booking it in the diary with your partner.
But in actual fact. Either booking time together or simply messaging “sex later?” sets aside a time for sex. This can build the anticipation and excitement. Give you both time to prepare for the experience. Wash, or change, put on some perfume.
Perhaps message throughout the day your excitement etc.

If you look at modern dating and more casual hook ups. Many are already scheduling time for sex. Using apps like tinder etc to meet people for fun. Book it in!

And if it gets to that scheduled time and you don’t feel like being sexual for whatever reason. You’ve still dedicated time to be together. You could use this to connect in another way. Talk. Listen. Or even go and download a sexercise communication exercise to complete together.

Lighting

Lights on or lights off.
What’s your norm?
Try lighting some candles or hitting the dimmer switch.
Creating this sensual environment, may improve intimacy and could increase desire.

Sounds small and trivial, but our surroundings play a huge part in our psychological arousal.