Talking to your children about Sex and Relationships
For anyone with children in their life, there will come a time where conversations about sex and relationships will emerge. These could be questions about where babies come from, observations about genitals or discussions about what relationships look like. Just to name a few.
Just because these conversations feel uncomfortable, does not mean they are wrong.
Calm open honesty when approaching these topics shows your child that they can come to you with these questions without fear. Panic, awkwardness and being dismissive or unclear with these conversations makes children feel they are unable to talk to you about these topics and reinforces negative associations.
Nobody is a perfect parent, we all have strengths in our parenting approach. By considering how we talk about sex and relationships we are helping form confident and king young people who respect themselves and others.
Bodies
The world around us pushes pressure to change the way we look. As adults this often makes it difficult to accept our bodies. Messages about our bodies trickle down from society to children in many different ways. This can be seen in many forms, for example:
Weight - acceptance of all bodies and their ability to enjoy healthy positive sex and relationships.
Pubic Hair - “I am growing pubic hair on my vulva but my Mum doesn’t have any, am I normal?”
Breasts - sexualised, female nipples are blocked on social media but men’s are not.
Penis Size - my friends talk about big penises being better. Is mine big enough?
How we address these topics is important. Body confidence is empowering.
Genitals
Children discover themselves at extremely young ages that their genitals feel good to touch. This is not a sexual discovery. A tendency to ‘fiddle’ or ‘hump’ can often be for comfort, to self sooth or just because they enjoy the feeling. Providing children with boundaries that do not discourage is important. Explaining you understand that it feels nice but perhaps they could keep that behaviour just to themselves in their bedroom for example. It is important not to chastise them for these behaviours because of the learnt shame and discomfort they provoke in you as this may prevent them talking to you further about their genetals.
To help prevent sexualisation and child abuse teach them that what is within their underwear is private. The NSPCC has some good resources on this here.
We also must remember to use correct anatomical terms for genitals such as penis, vulva, testicles, vagina and labia etc. This is important when speaking to thier children for several reasons.
Hygiene - teaching them how to wash themselves correctly.
Medical - if ever there is anything concerning them they are able to explain properly where the problem is
Abuse - should they be situation where they have been abused. They can clearly explain this to someone they trust. To give an example: if a child was to disclose to a teacher that their Uncle visited and played with her ‘whistle’, this may not alert the teacher to any issue. However, if the child had instead said that the Uncle and played with her vulva. The situation could immediately be clearly approached and aid given.
Media
Media has evolved dramatically since some of us were children. The internet all manner of TV film and communications are at young peoples fingertips and often access is instantaneous right into the palm of their hand. Throughout these mediums currently there is a strong trend for sexist and problematic social norms. Ofsted published a report in 2021 detailing that “culture change [is] needed to tackle 'normalised’ sexual harassment in schools and colleges” (gov.uk).
TV & Film
Can you remember that feeling of watching a film with your parents and a sex scene coming on. That internal cringe that felt like your intestines were tying in knots. Well as the parent, turns out that can happen too. Instead hoping the scene will pass without questions.
This can actually often be a great conversation starter. Constant heterosexual narratives, certain bodies and abilities are ever present in TV and Film. Often a man and a woman lock eyes across a room and by the next scene they are passionately entangled. There is no build up, anticipation or discussion about contraception or consent. The dramatised natural flow of these sexual encounters send messages to audiences that this is how we should interact sexually. This makes many feel (wrongly) that scheduling time for sex or stopping to put on a condom ‘isn’t sexy’ because its not the messages of passion that they are used to seeing.
Sexual storylines involving scheduling time for sex, building anticipation and desire do not exist. Despite dating apps, and digital messaging meaning that the many sexual encounters nowadays are scheduled and planned just like that.
Likewise consent and contraception. Consent and contraception are sexy. Being respected and treated how you want to sexually is a great sex positive message to send. But it doesn’t fit the Hollywood script that our children absorb through the TV screen.
Similarly, I have heard before, ‘I accept all sexualities, I just don’t want to see them kissing all the time’. And yet we are quite happy to see Sleeping Beauty be kissed consentingly by Prince Charming, kissing in the rain scenes in The Notebook and other constant displays of heterosexual passion flooding our children’s subconscious without comment.
When we remove the blinkers that have built up over time within a life of heteronormative male dominated society. We begin to see.
Social Media
Social media has created a world in which you can portray yourself in any way you want to be seen. It is important for young people to understand this. They are only seeing a filtered snapshot of life through these platforms. The life that they are seeing may not even be real at all. With strangers creating identities and alternate worlds. Online safety and privacy in social media is vitally important.
We all live a life through our phones in some way or another nowadays. We as adults often find it hard to differentiate fact from fiction. Believing others lives are so much better than ours, absorbing ‘fake news’ without fact checking. When we look at how this can affect us and our mental health the impact on those younger and more vulnerable then us can obviously be even more detrimental.
There is also a culture of nudes currently circulating secondary schools and college contributing to Ofsted’s 2021 findings of normalised sexism. The shame and societies negative perception often centre on the individual of which the nude photo is taken. Rather than those that distribute them. There is no such thing as a leaked nude. Nudes can be shared, not leaked. There needs to be more discussion around those thinking it is acceptable to share these images without consent. This is often a sexist issue with a female victim and male perpetrator but that has a larger socially negative impact on the victim.
Porn
In 2016 the NSPCC published findings that showed “48% of 11-16 year olds have seen pornography online”. (nspcc.org.uk).
Now the idea of pornography itself is not necessarily the problem. It has its place in society when understood that it is a fantasy and can be enjoyable. There are several feminist, ethical porn sites that are sex positive. These celebrate sexual comfort, confidence and enjoyment. It is important for this to be the norm.
Where the issue lies is how sex is currently portrayed in mainstream, free, accessible porn. In these current porn sharing sites consent is questionable, extreme sex is normalised and females are objectified, with their pleasure rarely considered. The messages sent to those watching are that this is sex, these are sexual bodies and men are dominant. It is these images that young people are most likely to see as their first real explicit experience of sexual images. Continual exposure to these messages about sex can develop problematic sexual behaviour.
How are babies made?
There is something about saying to a child that a penis enters a vagina that feels earth shattering. Like its going to make everything come crashing down around them. When in reality, if explained considerately and calmly. It is often just automatically accepted and life moves on. This is especially true the younger the child is when they have it explained to them.
You may have explained that babies grow in peoples uterus/wombs. Especially if you have brought younger siblings into their lives. Perhaps you explained that this takes a sperm and an egg and how the baby comes out either vaginally or caesarean. Many start out by explaining the sperm gets to the egg after a ‘special cuddle’.
So how do we cross that barrier……just be honest. Explain what happens. Use correct terms.
Usually when it comes to questions about sex and relationships if they ask the question they are ready to know the answer.
Children benefit from having accurate information. and open honest conversations about sensitive subjects. This often enables them to develop deeper and more meaningful connections with you as parents. That feeling of dread and uncertainty is created by shame that we have learnt surrounding sex and relationships. We are consciously concerned about the society surrounding our children that may not agree with the information we have shared with them. It is normal to be afraid of this conflict and is part of raising a positive informed young person. Staying strong against this perceived resistance and celebrating your child’s enthusiasm and interest is key. You are empowering them with this knowledge. If they want to share this information with their peers it would be good to understand why, but also ensure they know the responsibility that sharing that knowledge brings
My #letstalkabout posts on social media seek to help these conversations at home. As guides for both children and adults.