Improving your sex life - the basics
It is a myth, that there is one way to be good in bed. Magazine articles or clickbait online often present headlines saying “10 tricks to be good in bed” etc which can be misleading. Physical ‘tricks’ are not the way to improve your sex life.
Sex is so subjective. What feels good to you, may not feel good to another person. What one sexual partner may enjoy is not what another likes. So good sex is usually a journey between those involved.
Learnt social norms about sexual behaviour can condition us to behave a certain way with sex. What society may have us believe is naughty, dirty, or not normal increases shame surrounding sex, affecting confidence and creating conformity to what we think is ‘normal’ sexually.
See my sexercises to help understand this together.
News Flash - Frequency is meaningless
When asked about sex life – many often jump straight to evaluating theirs by how often they have sex.
But honestly this statistic is unimportant.
Quality vs Quantity.
Would you rather have regular sex you both were only moderately enjoying OR less frequent and brilliant, exciting, intimate sex that made you feel really valued in that moment.
Understanding the difference here is important. IS sex honestly fully enjoyable for both parties? Are boxes being ticked and everybody’s sexual enjoyment being prioritised?
The frequency of sex, causes conflict and can propel couples to seek help. Often it is a case of an individual not DESIRING sex as often as the other. This is fine, understanding the REAL reasons for this is what is important rather than assuming its individual sex drives not being compatible.
News Flash - You are not in a movie
Film, media, porn and a patriarchal society have prioritised the male orgasm as norm. In heterosexual sex, it is shown to end when the man cums. Lacking displays of female pleasure. Reducing the importance of female orgasm. Women just become an object that sex is had with.
Sexual flow, pleasure and enjoyment should have more focus for all parties. When this is more likely the desire for sex increases.
Understanding that sex is not a bullet point to do list of:
Kiss
Foreplay
Penetrative Sex
But instead, sex should be more fluid. Varying touch and experiences. Remembering that women are more likely to climax from some sort of clitoral stimulation than just penetration alone. Consider how your partner is meant to know what you want or like without you having told or directed them…?
Senses stimulated, touch, consent, direction, sexual flow, togetherness
If you find your sex is getting repetitive, same-y, or lacking something - check out my #changeonething posts - showing that introducing something small into your sexual relationship can help encourage better enjoyment and interaction. These changes do not have to occur every time. But occasionally just change one thing - to keep your sex enjoyable and break out of the same cycles and allow you to be more mentally present rather than switching off due to the same old thing.
Sex Positive
So much of what we have learnt via social norms and in the form of sex education is not necessarily positive when is comes to sex and relationships. This often means that sex carries a stigma accompanied by embarrassment and shame. The sex positivity movement seeks to spread the word that sex and relationships are for all. Pleasure and sexual enjoyment in many forms are for all. Sexual equality within a wonderfully diverse society. Sex Debbie hopes to lend an active voice to the Sex Positive movement, explaining it further and showing why it is so important.