My Bisexuality

I am bisexual.

This is not new information, well not to me anyway. I remember changing my Facebook - ‘interested in’ - information to men and women back in college. I was comfortable with that identity. That was, until the messages from friends started.

What, are you?

Was this a mistake?

That’s hot!

But you’ve only had boyfriends?

I changed my ‘interested in’ section back to men. The messages stopped. Normality resumed. The heteronormative assumption was returned. But something in my mind altered.

If asked, I would always say that I am bi. I wouldn’t tick the heterosexual box on forms. Bi often did not appear so ‘prefer not to say’ became the box of choice. Erasing whatever sexuality I did have. Non-existent.

I’ve always tried support everyone on their journey to be whatever version of themselves they want to be, and have celebrated mine in terms of tough times I have been through, but not in terms of my sexuality. Because, being assumed as straight is easier. It removes the spotlight. The questions. The fetishizing, the doubt. Am I queer enough. Will I be accepted?

My relationships have always been with men, if not all my sexual experiences. So, I suppose to many I have always presented as heterosexual, but I assumed everyone knew I was bi. Perhaps, I hadn’t been clear enough in my expression or in discussions I had had.

However, it is also important to recognise as a society everyone’s default seems to be heterosexual. It is what the social norm dictates - presume straight unless told otherwise. Rather than presuming nothing and allowing the individual to find and explore the sexuality how they see fit, presenting it when ready and in so not fighting against a tide of heteronormative scripts.

I have always just been me. Regardless of who I am sexually attracted to. Me. Often a little wild, loud, honest and well - always talking about sex no matter the opportunity!

I married my amazing husband at the age of 24. (Young!) Thus ensuring, I suppose, that many forgot or overlooked that I was bi. Again further erasure. Perhaps it was my fault, for not expressing it louder & prouder. And yet I am proud. So so proud. Of what makes me me!

A recent discussion I had with friends; and further conversations I have had since; alongside what I see being asked on social media - exposed a wide spread ignorance that I had pushed away by being seemingly straight! They see me with my husband, my 2 children. And I they read that in whatever way their mind translates. Perhaps using the social scripts that guide so many.

So here I expose my vulnerability and answer the questions I, for one, couldn’t believe were asked this much - as well as explain what my sexuality means to me. In an attempt to educate, combat ignorance and just show the full me!

Does your husband know? What does he think?

Of course. My husband is fully aware of my sexuality and loves me for who I am. It does not affect our relationship. Also being in a heterosexual presenting relationship, doesn’t make me any less bisexual.

Do you have an open relationship?

No we have a monogamous marriage. My sexuality does not alter this. Being exclusive was a choice we made at the beginning of our relationship. Just like many people do. Monogamy is assumed for so many, but isn’t right for all. It works for us. Bisexual doesn’t mean promiscuous.

Is your husband bi?

No. My husband is heterosexual.

Are you a cheater?

Being sexually attracted to both men and women doesn’t give me a free pass to cheat. We are monogamous as explained above. Just as heterosexual people in monogamous relationships are unlikely to cheat with people they are attracted to.

How many women have you been sexual with compared to men?

This is irrelevant. We do not have to have a sexual experience with someone to know how we identify. Just as much as heterosexual people do not have to have had sex to identify as heterosexual.

Do you fancy any of your friends? / You’ve never tried it on with me? / Which one of us are you most attracted to?

I do not fancy you. You are my friends. Just in the same way as heterosexual people aren’t attracted to every single person of the opposite sex. I like who I like. I fancy who I fancy. I am happily married and so it is irrelevant.

Cor lucky husband, that’s so hot. Do you have threesomes?

Bisexuality is not a fetish. Its a sexuality. Threesomes are not a given. Threesomes can be for anyone regardless of sexuality, but it is not something we personally want to explore. We are very happy with just us 2 players! Stop sexualising bisexual women.

You’re not bi - I have known you for years.

My sexuality is my sexuality. It is not defined as what you perceive it to be. If our relationship is based on the perception of me being heterosexual then perhaps its our friendship that needs re-evaluating rather than my sexuality.

Do not tell my partner, we wont be able to hang out.

This exposes more about in insecurity in your relationship than anything to do with my sexuality.

You do not present as bi?

I mean we don’t have to fit outdated stereotypes in order to identify as different sexualities. I am me. I present as me. Regardless of who I am attracted to. I am sorry if I am not bisexual enough for you. But that is your judgement on what bisexual means to you. This is how I identify myself. My sexuality is mine and not something you can take away.

PRIDE is all year here. Not just a month.

It is really important that we celebrate, campaign, push and love in whatever way we can, and show our allyship. As much as I welcome questions, I am amazed by the stereotypes and bias behind so many of them. In a space and life I have carved out for myself in which I wasn’t expecting such conversations.

I cannot say I am only sexually attracted to men. Nor romantically. So for now I identify as bisexual. Very happily married to a man. We are together parents of 2 wonderful kids. Who also know me for me!

I talking to everyone from children to adults about sex and relationships. Vulnerable topics in which we are often afraid to ask questions, be honest or show weakness. I hope this has given you some what of a window into my world. Beyond the about section on my website.