Maintaining good sex in your relationship

Think of your relationship as a story, that you are writing together. Full of chapters. Going on to the next chapter does not necessarily mean that the entire book must end. But change happens. It’s up to you to write what happens next. Sometimes all you need to do is turn the page. 

We grow we change we evolve and we hope that our relationship can do the same. 

All relationships require an element of maintenance. This is best done with open honest communication. Easier said than done right? Often it feels like the person we are closest to is the person who it is hardest to discuss your thoughts and feeling with. It makes you feel vulnerable and may appear critical to them or cause conflict. 

It is common for feelings like resentment, jealousy, hurt and anger to appear to a certain degree. But being able to approach these situations with calm discussion is key. We are all human. None of us our mind readers. If we leave things to be interpreted the situation can often go awry. I often write in wedding guestbooks – ‘You will always love each other, but you may not always like each other. And that is ok!’

Statistics on marriage in the UK

According to national statistics the divorce rate stands at around 45%, with larger numbers predicted for 2020 & 2021, as a result of Covid lockdowns putting a strain on home life. These are just the numbers of marriages breaking down aside from other long term relationship situations that have risen in popularity as an alternative to marriage. 

So how do we maintain our relationship and keep it for the long haul before it reaches a breaking point. How can you approach subjects surrounding sex and relationships together?

For some reason we expect our partner to be able to mind read when it comes to sex and desire. Understand when or if we want it, without any verbal communication. We find ourselves having sub par sexual interactions, because we think its what we should do rather than looking at how we can make the sexual experience more enjoyable as a whole for all parties.

For example, it can be tricky for some to be mentally present when they are actively thinking about the washing that needs to be done or the work project that’s causing problems. By communicating this mental burden we can help strengthen a relationship by understanding what helps provide a good condition for sex for each other. Understanding that these can be physical, psychological and environmental.

Checking In

Set aside one evening regularly with no distractions. No wifi, no tv, no phones. 

I recommend checking out my Sexercises together – these worksheets offer discussion starters and communication exercises and activities. That will help bring your relationship closer. Or if single could help you evaluate where previous relationships may have required work and better prepare you for future relationships. 

If you are unsure about subject topics start playing a board game or doing a quiz – and let conversation flow naturally.

It is important that sex is not used a distraction from any conversation. So, if required, place sex off the table for that evening. See how intimate you can get without it resulting in sexual play. Bringing back that feeling of connection by reminding each other of who you are, how far you have come and where you want to go. 

To start this make it a habit, weekly/fortnightly/monthly – however best fits for your relationship. Get comfortable talking and listening to your individual experiences and how that becomes your joint experience.

Once this becomes a habit, an ease is established. Then check ins can be requested. If you are struggling with any issues of feeling distant, perhaps requiring more intimacy or a deeper connection, suggest a check in. Book it in. 

Make time for each other. Make time for yourself.