Spontaneity

There is a narrative in society that shows a desire for sex as instantaneous. Sex and spontaneity would seem to go hand in hand. You’ve seen the films that shows two people making eye contact and then the next thing you know they are ripping each others clothes off. Maybe there is an expectation that your date night means sex, regardless. Or that hand reaching over in bed indicating your partner is interested presuming you are too, just because you’re horizontal.

Briefly looking at porn and its influence here - stereotypically it shows storylines such as the plumber coming to fit a leak and within seconds has the housewife bent over the kitchen table. There is not often much build up, anticipation or connection. Mostly because time is money. Get to the good bits! It sets a precedent that sex is easy. One look and BAM. Although most of us know it is unrealistic it affects our subconscious narrative and expectations.

Sexual desire is not just an on off switch.

It is not suddenly reactive to one single stimulant. There is a much bigger picture when it coms to sexuality, desire and arousal.

Spontaneous sex is possible, but often for good spontaneous sex, there needs to be a foundation from which sexual desire can be acted upon.

Studies show men are more likely to react to visual stimulus than women. Often women need more of connection or a variety of stimulus to help increase desire for sex and then arousal. These can include psychological, physical and environmental factors as I have touched on previously in other blogs.

Sex for many people is not just a ‘that feels good when you touch me there’ scenario. For full enjoyment and pleasure, the bigger picture needs to be assessed.

It is quite understandable for example, not to want to jump your partner after a long day, with dinner still to cook, and decisions to be made on whose family you’re spending Easter with etc. However, if dinner is sorted, the calendar is organised and your day spoken about - you may feel more seen, appreciated and the foundation perhaps laid for sexual interaction.

This is just a very brief example but you can see how life can prevent that ease for spontaneity in your sexual relationships if your mind is not freed up from the daily grind and life admin.

This is perhaps why many found their sexual relationships were effected with partners they lived with during the pandemic. Working from home, home schooling parenting. Lots either made sure they separated their personal time for each other and made and effort to do so, or their relationship became intertwined so easily in the chaos all happening under the same roof.

Time and effort often needs to be taken to help retain intimate connection. It is only with the foundation of this connection and shared life load, that you can then act on any ideas of spontaneous sex acts. Losing yourself in those moments, as your mind is free to do so.