the what ifs...

Sex and Relationships is full of what ifs. The unknown.

We are a society that has limited conversations about sexual topics, we glean any information we can from TV, radio, magazines, porn and watching other relationships. We absorb these messages, and take them as ‘normal’. Our conversation, education, exposure is limited.

We worry what if we are not normal? What if we are doing it wrong, and so many more.

So lets answer and explore a few of them:

What if… I am not good at sex?

Sex is subjective. nobody is good as sex. There is no exam. There is no level of expertise you have to pass. What works for one relationship / partner may not necessarily work for the other.

But, although you cannot be good at sex - because one size doesn’t fit all., you can be a good sexual partner.

How?…Communication!

Understanding each others likes and dislikes. Working on authentic and enthusiastic consent. Exploring intimacy. Understanding what aids your partners desire and vise versa. What brings pleasure and helps mental presence. Sex is a physical mental and environment experience.

What if… I don’t like it?

Some people for whatever reason don’t like sex. That is ok. This could be due to past trauma, body confidence, or sensations - all sorts. Often we associate sex with just a penis penetrating a vagina. Its important to recognise that this is just one act under the umbrella for sex. Sex can be any kind of sexual play or activity that turns you on. Explore your sexual self. Use masturbation and self pleasure to understand your body and what works for you. Take your time. Set the scene. Make it a date with yourself. Several dates with yourself.

Learn to love who you are, what feels good to you and that you are sooo worthy of sex that makes you feel good.

Then if you want to you can work on guiding a partner through pleasuring you. But if you want to keep it solo then that is ok too.

What if… I don’t want sex and they do?

That is ok. Tell them. Sexual activity should not go ahead if you do not want it to. Each element of sexual play should be consented to in some way. If you want to share some intimacy but stop at others that is ok. That should be accepted by your partner. No matter the reason. Regardless if you have consented to a sleepover or have had a drink etc.

Any sexual situation even if already suggested, encouraged or started does not have to be finished or continued with. Consent is on both partners to give and to seek. It is not down just to one to say no. It is the responsibility of all involved to actively seek regular consent to continue.

You should never feel obligated to have sex with someone.

It is irrelevant if they have given you a place to sleep for the night, your married to them or you flirted with them all night. You do not owe anyone our body! If you want to have sex, great. But allow that to be a choice for your pleasure and enjoyment. Not the pressure of the situation.

If you find that your relationship is struggling with a regular imbalance of desire. It may be worth trying one of my communication worksheets - sexercises, Set some time aside and work through a sexercise to help each other understand your personal experiences and situation when it comes to sex in a structured safe setting.

What if… I get turned down?

Leave it. Stop. Be glad you have created a situation in which the other person feels empowered enough to say no. Ensure you continue to allow that space and consent. Always ask for that consent, as soon as you are turned down, back off & stop, if they want you they will let you know.

Move on politely.

If this is in a relationship. Wait until another later date to talk about why, or how you can ensure that sex is more enjoyable next time or how you can make it more desirable for your partner. Don’t have this conversation at the point of refusal. Conflict could be likely as you both feel vulnerable and defensive. Discuss what conditions they have for good sex as well as yours, see if your intimacy and connection can be improved for next time.

What if… I cum first?

Sex doesn’t have to be about the orgasm being the goal. Hell!, yes its good. Its great! But actually so is the build up, the anticipation the sexual play and overall pleasure and connection. If you cum first, see if your partner wants to continue with stimulation and concentrate of getting them off continuing the intimate connection. If you care for their pleasure not just your own that is hot!

What if…the kids walk in?

Talking to kids about sex can make so many of us tense up, feel uncomfortable and awkward. So if they walked in this is then magnified.

I am all about honesty when it comes to talking to children about sex and relationships.

Try explaining we were making each other feel nice, exploring our bodies. Discuss that when they are older they might want to explore what feels good to them and with others one day and that this is ok.

Younger children will likely just take it on board and move onto what’s for breakfast. Older children with some knowledge and that have developed more of an ‘ick’ around sex may be uncomfortable. But it is important for them to understand that it is ok for adults to have sex. Even parents, grandparents etc. And its ok if they feel like that one day. But its an activity for adults or whatever age you want to put on it.

Finding sex different since becoming parents? The impact of parenthood on sexual relationships can be extensive and different for all. Try my sexercise worksheets to open up your communication with partner on the challenges you are experiencing and the changes your relationship goes through throughout this life chapter.

What if… I am not normal?

You are, because everyone is different .

There is no such thing as ‘normal’ like the mainstream media storylines want you to believe.

All our genitals look different, in size shape, discharge etc. Our turn ons and offs are all different. How we feel and enjoy sex is different. The world would be boring if it was all the same. If there was ‘normal’. So celebrate you. Embrace your body, own your pleasure and enjoy your likes and dislikes.

If sex is causing you pain, or your worried your sexual interests are harmful - I would always advise you speaking to a medical professional. You wont be the first and you wont be the last. Honestly they have seen and heard it all before.

What if…they don’t find me attractive?

Likelihood is if they are having sex with you, they find you attractive.

In many cases it may well be your own body image that is blocking your sexual enjoyment.

Explore your body with masturbation and self care. Understand how your partner sees you. Find ways to celebrate your body and what it does for you. Including how it can bring you pleasure.

If you are made to feel unattractive by your sexual partner. Stop having sex with that person. End that relationship. There are plenty of others that will find you beautiful, wonderful and worthy of pleasure. You are amazing.

What if… I fanny fart?

Queefing (fanny farting) is normal. Your vagina is the entrance to a one way street. If your having fingers, penis or toys repeatedly going up and down that one way street air is likely to get trapped. And the problem with that is there is only one way for it to come out.

Queefing often happens as a penis is pulled out or you change positions. It is nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. We often wonder if we should acknowledge the noise or not. Personal preference. Laugh it off and carry on.

A queef is not the same as wind expelled from the anus.

It doesn’t smell but is just trapped air often from sexual activity and movement. Most importantly it is normal and unavoidable!

As you can see from just that brief snapshot above, these what if… worries are normal. They are common, but they shouldn’t have to be. The what ifs, are a product of limited sex education and a restricted or blinkered portrayal of sex and relationships in all media. By recognising that sex education isn’t just for teens but crucial for everyone we can help with the what ifs, the niggling doubts, the late night googling. We need to relearn our sex education throughout the chapters of our lives. Expose ourselves to positive messages about sex and sexuality for all.