Pleasure

Why do we have sex…?

Pleasure right? And yet – we are never taught about this.

We are taught sex gives you STIs, sex gets you pregnant. We absorb societies acceptance and prioritisation of men that have sex for pleasure and yet often judge women who do the same. 

It is assumed that sex is an easy naturally satisfying experience for all, but in order to achieve this satisfaction from sexual activity a lot of contributing factors may need to align. 

Psychological arousal, emotional presence, and physical enjoyment all play a role in enjoyable sex. With two partners involved these factors become doubled due to the individual wants and needs at play. 

Examples of problems that could attribute to the breakdown of psychological arousal could be caused by jealousy, resentment or trauma. Parenthood or environment could prevent emotional presence, and physical enjoyment could be halted by erectile dysfunction or vaginismus. These examples are just a scratch at the surface of how a variety of factors can upset the balance of sexual play. Sex and sexual activity and arousal can still be achieved and enjoyable with an imbalance of factors but require an understanding and adaptability from those involved. 

To therefore assume sex just happens naturally is a damaging concept to many and prevents communication and openness not only within relationships but also society when it comes to sexual problems, enjoyment and the perception of sexual norms. Without this communication and understanding many relationships breakdown when ‘sex goes wrong’. 

So how can we make ‘sex go right’?

The aim of sex should be pleasure for all involved. (Trying to conceive aside for a moment). But is this always the case? 

As explained above various contributing factors need to align or at least be understood by your sexual partner. 

Are you able to relax, does sex bring with it anxiety or shame? Concerns about body image, performance and expectations. These are just a few examples of psychological factors that can affect sex. 

Do you find your mind wondering during sex to other things unable to be present in the moment? The washing that needs to be done, a child hearing or walking in, perhaps a work problem that is on your mind.

Maybe there is something physically you enjoyed when you first started dating but now it is a real turn off. Or you prefer sexual play and touch rather than penetrative sex but that seems to always be the aim. 

How does your partner know if you are experiencing problems in any of these areas, blocking the pleasure you receive from sex? 

Do you refuse sex or brush it off instead of communicating because often avoidance is easier that being vulnerable or causing conflict?

If your partner helped at home more, would it create more time for intimacy and a better environment for sex?

If your partner showed more interest in your work so you were able to offload your thoughts/worries would that help you clear your mind, making sex more likely?

If your partner engaged in more sexual touch or clitoral stimulation for example, would you find sex more enjoyable and then be more likely to have it?

If yes to this or anything similar how does your partner know this? Do you talk openly about these things or do you expect each other to mind read?

To make your sex life more pleasurable….