Sex & Grief

I realise that sex and grief sounds like a bizarre mix. But actually all grief can effect our romantic and physical relationships.

Like so many other situations I have explained, it may not even be considered until the subject is raised, but can be helped with communication.

It is normal for grief to effect your libido. Guilt, trauma, sadness can all affect our subconscious. The death of someone or even a pet can have a huge ripple effect on you. Through the complex emotions that come with death and dying, different hurdles are faced. The intense sadness to start with as we accept the end is coming or here. The goodbyes, recollections and memories. Deep and profound loss. And in all this process we unpack ourselves as individuals out of our tightly packed almost Tetris like box. Bit by bit, by bit, the grief unpacks who we are. Understanding our relationship to not only those we have lost but all others within your circle. Where does it leave you, your identity and your relationships?

Am I coping in the right way?...Am I coping?

Whilst we battle the emotions, there is an awareness that life will move on and day to day will have to keep going. The mental load of life admin when a life has gone. Funerals, saying goodbye in a way they would have wanted, as well as the sorting out of all other affairs. The fall out of the death. And yet the world still turns and life has to go on. Your life that is left behind. Unpacked. Vulnerable.

And part of the healing process is repacking that box with a Tetris piece missing. Understanding that the pieces may connect differently now.

Sex falls of the radar.

Amongst all this chaos, even if the death was expected, the inner turmoil and emotions affect your desire to have sex. The mental load of the situation weighs heavily. It isn’t perhaps that you do not want to have sex or be intimate with your partner, but that you have not been able to prioritise it. Through the fog of grief. Sex may seem a distant prospect.

This takes time. And itself is a process.

Grief can be a really lonely process. Even surrounded with support you feel isolated in your experience of grief.

As you rediscover yourself and your relationships, understand that physical intimacy with your partner brings with it connection.

Scheduling time together to sit and talk. Connect. Peacefully and emotionally. Take physical contact slowly. You are worthy of pleasure. You are still able to feel the enjoyment of sexual touch. Don’t forget to rediscover yourself after grief. Enjoy your own touch with masturbation.

As you piece together yourself after a loss do not forget your sexual self, embarking on a new chapter in the evolution of you.

Sex could be used to cope.

Not everyone finds that sex falls off the radar with grief. Some may find sex increases.

Sex produces feel good hormones. Hormones that relax or act as a pain relief in many circumstances. It is understandable therefore to have increased desire for sexual intimacy in order to help repair the grief felt physically and emotionally. The connection and power of this is important.

With grief any enjoyment or happiness may bring with it guilt.

This is because society tells us that coping with grief should be a period of mourning. Anything sexual already has with it a layer of shame let alone when associated with grief/loss. Combined, these mixed messages leave us confused and conflicted about what we are experiencing, This dismisses the power that sex has to make us feel better and help us cope. Physically protecting us.

There is no right amount time to grieve or even correct way to do it.

What is important is comfort and communication. Being able to communicate about your grief openly and not using sex solely as a coping mechanism to remove or distract from conversations about your experience. Understanding if having sex more after a loss, that this is normal. The positive protective effect it is having on you physically and mentally. This reparative process though will be aided by talking. Understanding. It may feel raw. But it can heal.

If you are struggling with grief search for local Grief Counselling and ask for help.

For those near me in Devon (UK) I recommend TALKWORKS